Something Foul
by stephj07
Summary: Edward spends the night at Bella's and gets more than what he bargained for.   Takes place between Eclipse and Breaking Dawn.   Read and Review please!


**Edward's POV**

Bella is standing next to her stove in the kitchen, chopping up celery on the cutting board for the pot of chili she's making for dinner for her and Charlie. I'm sitting at the kitchen table keeping her company until Charlie came home from work. I'm surprised at how good she can handle a knife, considering how clumsy she is with everything else.

After Bella cuts up the celery she scoops it into the pot and stirs it around a few times, then moves on to the pan cooking the chopped-up hamburger. The smell of the food is a bit repulsive. Especially the smell of cooked meat.

I watch Bella move around the kitchen; she seems so graceful in her movements. It's mesmerizing. Every so often I catch a glimpse of her engagement ring. I smile every time I see it. Happy that she has chosen to wear it for the rest of eternity. I get up and stand behind her, wrapping my arms around her waist. She stops her stirring of the chili and rests her hands over mine. I bury my face in her neck, taking in her beautiful aroma. I start to kiss her neck, making her giggle.

"Stop that, Charlie will be home any minute and I don't want him to walk in while you're doing that," she says.

I chuckle, "He wouldn't have the chance to, Bella; I'd hear him before he even drives down the street." I kiss her neck again.

"Right, vampire hearing," Bella says, leaning her head to the side to give me better access. Just then I hear the sound of tires turning off the street and the distinct mutterings of the police chief's mind. Charlie's home. I plant one more kiss on Bella's neck and move away from her.

"Hey, I was enjoying that," she complains.

I grin, "Sorry love, but Charlie is about to show up."

She pouts and mutters something about not being able to wait til she's married and goes back to stirring the food. "Soon," is all I say.

About five minutes later Charlie walks through the door. "Bells!" he calls out.

"In here," Bella calls back. Charlie hangs up his gun and jacket and enters the kitchen.

"Smells good. What's for dinner?" Charlie asks. "Hi Edward," he tacks on. He still isn't quite at peace with the thought of me marrying his daughter in August.

"Hello Charlie," I say politely.

Bella stops her stirring and turns around. "Dinner will be done in about a minute; we're having chili," she tells Charlie. "We just have to wait for the bread to get done."

"Garlic?" Charlie asks. "Of course," Bella replies. Two minutes later the buzzer goes off, signaling that the bread is done. Bella opens the oven and pulls out the rack of garlic bread and sets it on the stove to cool. She grabs two bowls from the cupboard above the strainer by the sink. She takes the spoon from the pot of chili and scoops a healthy amount into the bowls and then places two pieces of garlic bread onto a plate and sets the food in front of Charlie.

"Thanks Bells," he says. Bella smiles and helps herself to her own food. I go to move into the living room, but Charlie stops me. "Why don't you grab a bowl for yourself, Edward? You must be hungry," he offers. Bella lets out a small snicker.

"Thank you Charlie, but I'm not hungry," I tell him.

"Oh come on, Edward. I think it's about time you had one meal with us. You are going to be my son-in-law soon," he says.

"Thanks for the offer, but I would like to politely decline," I say. Charlie sets his spoon down and looks at me.

"Okay, I gotta ask. You've been around for about a year and never have you ever eaten a meal with us. Why is that?" I see Bella stiffen for a second.

"I'm on a special diet" I tell him.

"A diet? Kid, you look as healthy as a horse. Why the need to diet?" Charlie asks me, puzzled.

"Edward's a vegetarian." Bella cuts in.

Charlie looks at her and then back at me. "Really?" _A vegetarian? Really? _"I didn't know that," he says.

"Yeah, Edward's a softie when it comes to animals," Bella puts in.

_Great, is my daughter marrying a tree hugger? _Charlie glances over at Bella's left hand where my mother's ring now sits. _Married..she's so grown up now…_ Charlie's thoughts trail off.

Charlie 'hmphs' and goes back to his eating. Bella chuckles under her breath. I nod and retreat into the living room to let Bella and Charlie finish their meal.

Later that night I'm sitting in Bella's room waiting for her to finish up her shower. I hear the water shut off and the sound of the curtain scraping against its hanger while Bella steps out. I can hear her pat herself dry with a towel. I try to turn my attention away from the thought of a naked and wet Bella. But I'm a man, and it's often difficult to not picture her.

I try to turn my attention to something else entirely when I hear the distinct sound of tinkling, but it's when I hear a certain other sound that I chuckle a little. I try to give Bella as much privacy as I can during her human moments such as this, but even to vampires it's funny when a person passes gas.

I hear another and I try to hold in my laughter — Bella doesn't need to know that I heard that. It would embarrass her to the point of never having me spend the night again, I'm sure. Bella finally finishes up in the bathroom and enters her room. She smiles when she sees me. "Hi," she says, throwing her dirty clothes in the hamper by her dresser.

"Hi," I say back. Bella crawls onto her bed and gets under her covers, yawning. "Tired?" I ask.

"Yes, Alice dragged me around doing cake testing and color schemes for the wedding. I'm really tired now from all the running around," Bella tells me.

"Yes, that does sound horrible," I say. "Come here…" Bella snuggles into my embrace and settles in for the night.

**Two hours later**

I'm sitting in Bella's room with Bella still wrapped in my arms. I'm watching her sleep and thinking about our wedding when I hear the same noise as before. _ppptt._ It's not too often that Bella passes gas in her sleep. It's a complete human thing to do, but it's still funny to hear. _pppppppppppppptttt_ I hear again. I chuckle to myself. It's definitely not too often that Bella does it twice in a row. I'm guessing that the chili is having an effect on her system. I slightly smell the odor that often comes along with passing gas. Luckily for me I can go a long time without breathing.

_Ppppt-Pppppppppppptt. _Another one comes out, along with a small moan from Bella. I try my hardest not to shake the bed too much with my silent laugher. _Pfffpptttppppppppptt. _Bella moans and moves her butt a little, and then lets another one out. I'm holding in my laughter. _Pppppppppppppppppttttttttt-zzzziippt _goes another one. I'm starting to shake now; I really hope I don't wake up Bella. It would embarrass her to know that she is 'gaseous' in her sleep while I'm in the room with her.

_Pppppttttt-Zippt. _Another one. Finally when I think she's had enough, I hear the loudest one of all: _PPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPTTTTTTTT!_! The sound startles Bella right out of sleep.

"OH GOD!" she slightly yells, "What was that?" She looks around the room. I lose it then. I laugh so hard, I almost fall out of the bed.

"What is so funny?" Bella asks, confused.

"You…you were passing gas…in your sleep!" I laugh out. Bella's face darkens with blush.

"Oh my god. Please tell me you're joking," she says, not looking at me.

"I'm sorry, but you were so loud, that last one woke you up!" I tell her. Bella groans and gets up and walks to her door. "Bella, where are you going?" I ask her.

"I can't stay in this room with you right now." She walks out, and I hear her open the bathroom door and shut it.

A second later I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. I fish it out and look at the caller ID _Alice_. I answer. "Alice," I say.

"Edward, I suggest you leave right now. Bella won't come out until you do. I saw what happened, and she's incredibly embarrassed," Alice informs me. I sigh.

"You know, you could have just called me before this happened and saved her the embarrassment," I tell my sister.

"I was a little…occupied at the moment," she says. I roll my eyes. Of course she was.

"Fine, just let me go and say goodbye to her." I hang up my phone and walk to the bathroom door.

"Bella, I need to go home. Carlisle needs to speak with me about something," I lie to her quietly through the door — better to make her think it has nothing to do with the little incident in the room.

"Mhmm," is all she says.

"I love you," I say to her, and take my leave, shaking my head as I jump out the window. If there's one thing I don't miss about being human, it's the gassy part.


End file.
